Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Lloyds Bank survey fail

I spoke to Lloyds Bank yesterday. Today they send me an SMS:

Hello, as a valued Lloyds customer, your feedback matters to us. We have 5 quick questions, so you can tell us about your experience.

Setting aside the two redundant commas and the use of a numeric '5' rather than the word 'five', as convention should dictate, I really object to the nature of this. Why?

Firstly, it has been sent from an account I cannot reply to, so I am unable to send 'STOP' or even point out their grammatical errors. Sending messages which cannot be replied to is rude, nothing else. Some would call it spam when I haven't agreed in advance to receive it.

Secondly, I cannot complain that the follow up messages they send require a reply to be send to a short-code account which means I have to pay for the messages. WHAT?

Lloyds Bank: all I want to do is complain about your ill-conceived customer satisfaction survey. I am not going to answer it so the nice lady I spoke to (for 17 minutes) will not receive the excellent feedback she deserves.

All your ignorant management deserves is a slap in the face with a wet fish.

Perhaps Lloyds would like to give some feedback in the comments below.

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Would you like to opt for emails from us instead of letters or paper bills?

I have always said this is a terrible business model:
  1. Allow customers to opt for email instead of paper in envelopes
  2. Send out emails which say "please visit our website as there is a message for you"
  3. The emails say "do not reply to this email" and "this address is not monitored"
  4. Do not provide a direct link to the message. If a link is provided, make sure it is wrong, out of date or take the customer to the front page, make them log in and plough through umpteen pages before arriving at the message
  5. Do not provide any means on the website to reply to the message in kind
  6. Provide an email help desk who won't reply because 'confidentiality', 'security' or some other nonsense about being a different non-technical department probably at the other end of Britain
  7. The customer may only make contact using pre-WW1 technology: phone or post. The 21st century spin is to phone a call centre full of useless under-equipped and under-skilled drones or write a letter which will be answered by someone who doesn't know how to write a letter.
Some banks, credit card, energy companies, mobile operators, phone companies and now HMRC are doing this.

This is not acceptable. I have left suppliers who do this. Can I leave HMRC?

Dear every company/organisation in the world,
I expect to be able to contact you in the same way you contact me. This is only polite. If you want to talk to me on the phone, phone me. If you want to send me email, put the message in the email and let me reply to it. If all I can do to obtain a record of contacting you is to write you a letter, I expect you to write me a letter.

A good example of SBM. Stupid British Management with all the IT understanding of a dead dog. We shouldn't accept this daft one-sided load of hairy old nonsense. I intend to keep writing letters and make them write letters to me until any email offering is properly bi-directional.

Or do you keep a recording of every phone call you make to these idiots? They claim to but I have already had 'we have no record of that conversation' from a bank which was important because they then imposed unreasonable terms to a mortgage I never agreed to and now HMRC demand immediate payment of back tax with no acknowledgement that they promised to collect it by adjusting a future PAYE code. Grrrrrrr!